Dry Heat

Sir Knightly's Quest

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by India Chudnow

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     Once upon a time there was a monkey. Now, monkeys like to throw poop, and once upon a time, that monkey threw poop at Sir Knightly. The Princess Wigonia thought Sir Knightly smelled bad. So, the Princess banished Sir Knightly from the land of Shorkmire. Sir Knightly was heartbroken for he loved the princess so much, and with such vigor.

     Then, a witch came across Sir Knightly and found him wallowing in a lake of his own tears. The witch said “If you can guess my name, I will get you your Princess back”. Sir Knightly guessed Mildred, Geraldine, and Hagia. All of them were wrong. When asked why he chose those names he replied simply. “Those are some ugly ass names to match your ugly ass face. Now, if you would please, give me my princess back.” The witch cried and her tears washed off her disguise. Underneath was a beautiful sea nymph (but still not as beautiful as the princess Wigonia). The sea nymph said that he guessed her name, that it was Ugly Ass. Her stepmother named her that because she was hatefully jealous of her beauty.

      Sir Knightly said that he didn’t really care, but she was too caught up her “big reveal” to hear him. She said he must take her to the Queen of the Tree Ones, Queen Prissy, so she could change her name. They traveled night and day, through heat and cold, through richer and poorer, through sickness and health. All the while, Sir Knightly was thinking about that hot body waiting back for him in Shorkmire. But, the sea nymph does not realize this. She thought that she put a spell on him when she revealed herself. So, late in the night when he was sleeping, she laid with him. A month later she bore his child. Fourteen years, three kids, and two dogs later, they finally made it to the Tree Ones, deep in the forest of West Bloomfield. Queen Prissy gave Ugly Ass her real name back – Silkia. She also gave Sir Knightly a banana rub to get rid of the horrid poop scent.

      Then, Sir Knightly started off back to Shorkmire, but was stopped by Silkia’s strong grip. He said: “I helped you change your name. Let me go back to my Princess Wigonia.”

      She said: “What about the dogs?”

      He replied: “What dogs?”

      She asked, “What about the kids?”

      He replied, “What kids?”

      She asked “What about the fourteen years of pure bliss!?!?”

      He replied “What bliss???” Then she showed him the three kids and two dogs and pure bliss they had produced. Now Sir Knightly is a good and noble man. So he ran straight for his Princess Wigonia and left Silkia and their three kids and two dogs and pure bliss to fend for themselves in West Bloomfield for all eternity. 

 

      Moral of the story: Don't throw poop.