Dry Heat

Lynne MacVean

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Those are My Tears

 

The sudden downpour of rain drops - those are my tears for the life lost too soon.

Thousands of drops making the sidewalk dance

do not make this desert a garden.

 

They join together in a messy, muddy flash flood

rolling down the washes with murderous strength.

 

The sudden shower washes us whether we need it or not.

I am cleansed by my rare tears whether I wanted them or not.

 

It was hard to lose my elders when I knew their time was close.

This sudden death of one so young, I cannot accept. My mind is broken.

 

I want to rage and blame the hospital and our broken healthcare system for the infection.

I want to be the change agent that fixes the broken system, but it won't bring him back.

 

The thunder rolls in the heavens reminding me I am one, small human.

Alone, I cannot change the weather, fix the broken system, or save a young man from bacteria.

 

My inner sunshine breaks through the clouds and highlights what I have to be grateful for.

A gratitude bubbles up and pops as I reject it, horrified

that I might find anything positive in this inexplicable death.

 

Another bubble of gratitude rises and again I smash it.

This makes no sense.

How can, how dare I be grateful for my life, my son’s life, while I mourn my friend?

 

And yet I do, because gratitude is my way, optimism my opiate.

When all else is dark and threatening with lightning strikes all around,

I light a candle and remember the sun.

 

I think of the plants who will soak up this life-giving water and green the desert, ever briefly.

 

Now, among my friends and family, one drop among thousands, I feel a measure of peace.

Your presence comforts me like nothing else.

The storm has passed and the sun rejoined us.

 

It will storm again, of course. There is no life without death, just as there is no life without rain.

Thank you just for being here with me.

 

 

Written in honor of Tom Parker who, at age 48, survived cancer and instead died from a hospital-acquired infection of MRSA (methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus).

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