Dry Heat

Untitled

by Rebekah Preston

     I laid next to him on the bed, my head on his chest, and his arm warped tightly around my shoulder. We had just finished another round of sex, another round of wasted effort of pleasing him and ignoring my own needs. But at this point, my sexual gratification was the least of my worries. I had completely given up on the hopes of ever getting satisfied by Chandler months ago.

     My mind was more preoccupied by my burning heart and the gross anxiety that was swelling in my stomach. These feelings had become increasingly more frequent, and almost even constant, when I'm with him. After so much time analyzing and overanalyzing my feelings, I know what I want, or I guess, more of what I don't want. I don't want Chandler. Not anymore. 

     “Hey Brinley,” Chandler muttered.

     “Ya?” I asked.

     “I love you” he said, and I felt him softly kiss the top of my head.

     My anxiety shot through the roof. “Hm?” I asked. I didn't know quite how to answer. I knew that I didn't love him anymore, so I was stalling.

     Chandler shifted a little, “I said, I love you, babe.”

     He moved to his side, forcing us to face each other.  He brought his free hand to my cheek, and lifted my gaze to meet his. His dark unreadable eyes that I used to adore were just black holes now, swallowing me up with questions that I didn’t have the answers to. Or more accurately, answers that he wouldn’t like.

     “Now this is the part where you exclaim, ‘oh wow Chandler! I love you too! You’re so amazing!’” He jested and moved in for a kiss. I reflexively shrunk away.

     “I’m sorry, I just…”

     This caught his attention, and he sobered up. “What wrong babe?”

     I didn’t know what to say. I had been wanting to and planning it for weeks, but I still didn’t know how to officially come out and just say it, or especially when the right time would be. But I guess now is as good as any. I took a shaky breath and looked away, so I wouldn’t have to face his reaction.

     “I don’t.”

     “Don’t what?” He questioned.
     “... Love you.” I sat up, still avoiding his stare, and turned every so slightly away. “I think I want to break up.”

It was silent, but I could feel him looking at me. After a long awkward pause filled with nothing but my own terror rising, he spoke.

     “What?” It was so quiet that I almost didn’t catch it.

     “I’m sorry Chandler, I just don’t want to be your girlfriend anymore.” I slid off the side of his bed, suddenly empowered by my words. “Like, I still care about you and whether or not you're okay, but I just can't handle being a couple. I just can't support you as a girlfriend anymore and I have to start thinking about myself and taking care of my own mental health.” I was sliding on my clothes now, just finishing the buttoned on my pants and about to clip on my bra when he finally stopped me.

     “Like what the actual fuck?”

     I froze. His voice was a couple octaves higher, and his words were dripping with sass. That kind of tone and sarcasm could only mean one thing. I turned to look at him, or I guess now it was ‘her’.

     “God, Brinley, Why ya gotta be such bitch?”

     Chandler was now propped up on his elbow.  A hand on his hip and a snarky glare was fixed on his face. I had seen this side of him before. The alter that he named Carmon. She was in control now and obviously not thrilled. To be honest, neither was I. As nice as it was to talk girl-to-girl with Carmon on occasion, most of the time she was just annoying. And I was not going to deal with her right now. Especially when she isn't the one I want to talk to.

     I ignored her until I had finished dressing, and then confronted her dead on.

     “Carmon, stop. This doesn't involve you. Please just bring Chandler back.”

     “I really hope you're joking about this whole thing. Cause if not, I don't think he should talk to you. He's pissed and confused, and so am I.”

     “Well, he wouldn't be confused if you just let me explain!”

     Carmon paused in thought for a second. Then with a sigh and an eye roll, she retreated back into Chandler's subconscious. This left his expression blank and hollow for a second while I waited for him to come back to me. This whole ordeal was already making me panic a little. Things were not going as I had hoped. I just want to give Chandler my reasons and then leave.

     I waited for his normal expression and posture to resume, but all he did was sit up with the same vacant look in his eyes.

     “He’s listening.” He said, his voice completely monotone and expressionless. I had only ever seen this alter once before during one of Chandler’s worse mental breaks. He named it Adam, or sometimes refers to it as, The Void. This wasn't a good sign. He was cracking.

     “Alright, listen, Chandler. I'm sorry, but I've reached a point where I just don't feel the same kind of romantic love that I thought I did. And recently I've just been drained emotionally and I can see myself slowly relapsing again. I know you don't mean to hurt me, but I can't go through that again. Not while I'm with you. And the only solution is to end things. I need distance.”

     Nothing.  No physical response at all. Just his hollow point eyes fixed unfocused on me, making my skin crawl.

     “Please try to understand Chandler.  I still care about you and I want to support you. But I just can't do it as your girlfriend anymore.”

       Chandler still hadn’t moved.

      “Chandler!” I shouted, completely at my wits end. If he wasn't going to stop being a coward and come out to talk then there was no point in staying.

      I sped out of the room and grabbed my purse from his kitchen table while trying to hold back tears and failing miserably at it. I had my hand on the front door, and looked back to the bedrooms open doorway where I saw Chandler’s frozen silhouette still sitting on the bed, staring blankly at where I used to be. That idiot didn't even have the decency to man up and face me himself! I was tired of him hiding under his alternate personalities. I know they're there for a reason, and that I was hurting him, but it felt so wrong to not even get to talk to him about it. For him to not even care enough to want to fix this.

      I flung my arms out, hands balled into fists in protest as if I could smack him from across the apartment, and screamed.

     “Fuck you Chandler! All of you!”

     And the tears flowed free. I hiccupped a sob and through blurred eyes saw that my keys had fallen out of my purse.    
     “Shit,” I whined in distress, but when I curled down to pick them up I couldn't bring myself to stand again. So I hugged my legs and cried helplessly into my lap.

     “No, fuck you Brinley.”

     Shocked, I looked up to see Chandler standing above me. Or I guess it still wasn't really Chandler. He loomed over me with a spiteful glare. There was a kind of inhuman fiery rage in his eyes that fell upon me and I instinctively shrunk back in fear. If this was who I thought it was, then I wasn't safe anymore.

      All of Chandler’s alters were virtually harmless, except one. Devin. He was Chandler’s rage; pure unadulterated hate manifested in a personality. I've never actually met Devin in person, but Chandler had told me about him before, and that he tried very hard not to let him out.

     But now he was, and I had no experience with handling him.

     “D-Devin?” I stuttered. Hoping I was wrong.

     “Well congratu-fucking-lations bitch.” He shouted at me and then punctuated his last words with a hard slap to my left cheek.

     I was left stunned. Chandler had never hurt me physically before. But before I could react, Devin reached down and grabbed me by my wrist, so hard I felt the nerves pinching under his grasp. He pulled me to my feet as I screamed in protest.

     “Let go of me. Please! Stop, you're hurting me!”

     “Good! You fucking slut. You think you can just leave because things are hard? Chandler is weak, and if you leave, he’ll kill himself. That means I die, and I'm not going to let that happen because of some selfish cunt.”

     He was screaming at me, as I struggled under his hold, using my free hand to pry an his fingers.

     “I'm sorry! Please let me go! I'm sorry!” I was crying harder now, making the ache on the side of my face hurt worse. 
     “I won't leave! I promise! Please, I promise I'll stay!”

     Devin yanked my wrist and threw me backwards. “That's fucking right you will.”

     I felt my head slam against the wall, and my vision blurred with stars. I stood there, dazed for only a second before   
     Devin's hand were around my throat. He squeezed mercilessly and I gasped for air.

     “Say it, Brinley! Tell him you love him!”

     I struggled to get the words out under is crushing grip.

     “I... love... you... I love you, Chandler.” I whispered through my crushed windpipes.

     As soon as the words left my lips, Devins grasp disappeared and air flooded back into my lungs. I coughed uncontrollably as my body sank to the floor.

     “Brinley?” I heard him say, but this time with no malice in his tone. I looked up at the swaying vision of Chandler, and I knew this time it was really him. 

     He knelt down to me and pulled my stunned body into his arms and I stiffly let him cradle me. “Please,” I quietly whimpered, “don't hurt me.”

     Chandler began to sway, rocking me gently in his embrace. “I would never hurt you. I'm sorry, baby. I love you so much, I'll never let this happen again….”

     I clung to myself and began to cry loudly in relief. The adrenaline drained from my body and the throbbing in my head pushing me into submission as I let him gently stroke my hair.

     “You just can't leave me. Without you, I'll die, so please don't go and I promise we’ll be safe.” He lightly kissed the top of my head, which sent a spiral of pain through my brain again.

     “I love you Brinley. I need you.”

.

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“Don't you dare fucking try to leave again.”